Calling all Enneagram 2s, next-level-nurturers, and generous-to-a-fault-ers.
Stahp!
That thing you do where you constantly choose the needs of others over your own doesn’t make you a saint, it actually makes you a liar.
PAUSE FOR EYEBALLS TO BUG OUT
‘Fraid so. According to Christine Carter, Ph.D., Sociologist and Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, “…pleasing others is not the same as helping others.”
And it sure as hell doesn’t help YOU. Dr. Carter goes on to say, “It’s an often subtle and usually unconscious attempt at manipulating other people’s perceptions of us. Anytime we pretend to be or feel something that we aren’t, we’re out of integrity with ourselves.”
And we can find ourselves feeling that integrity-wonk as disappointment, sadness, or even rage.
Ruh-roh.
Look, it’s cool to take care of your people, and even not-your-people, but NOT consistently to your own detriment…even if it gives you just a mild sense of meh. Because that meh can turn into a monster. Over time, bending over backward for everyone from besties to bullies (because some of you get extra excited about pleasing assholes) can create resentment and even contempt for the very people you were trying to please.
And it can also take a toll on your health. According to Dr. Caroline Leaf, Communication Pathologist and Neuroscientist. “People pleasing is actually a type of cognitive dissonance…when you lie to yourself and are not true to who you are, you can experience an internal ‘war’. What you say and do is not in agreement with what you are thinking about or what you want. This can impact both your mental and physical health because a lack of mental congruence drains your energy, causes toxic stress, and affects the way information is processed and memory is built, which leads to neurochemical chaos in the brain and body.”
Hot damn, just don’t do it, darlings!
We know you mean well, but let’s be honest, you just aren’t living your truth. And you get to. We need you to. We won’t know who you are otherwise, and when you show us who you are, we can connect…which is all you really want, right?
Now, here’s the skinny on shooting straight: not everyone is going to like the new you. AND THAT’S OKAY! It’s normal. You’re not gonna die. Here’s proof. You don’t like some people and they’re still alive. Ta da!
Look. You won’t solve this overnight, but it is something to solve. So just know that we’re gonna be okay without all your over-functioning. (We already were.) Now it’s your turn to be pleased.
To hear a full convo on this topic check out episode 88, Phuck People Pleasing, on the Fix Your Chit podcast.
Peace,
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© LCRI
