I thank Siri when she answers my questions. Is that weird?

I only cried once this Christmas…

I was playing on my phone first thing this morning…

When I was 8 I got stung by a bee.

Dog poop and personal achievement? Oh, they’re related, ye of little faith.

My favorite Jack Handey bit on SNL was the one with the dad and son on the beach.

Oof. I blew it. I mean I ROYALLY screwed up.

Sometimes you have to pick yourself. And sometimes that means hurting other people.

(Grab your flippers.)