Calling BS on BJ

by | Jul 16, 2019 | 0 comments

My cleaning lady is here. 

At my house, where I office. 

I’m down the hall, trying to work, while she blasts 80’s rock, trying to clean.

I like 80’s rock. Just not when I’m attempting to write headlines about cheese. But, I figure, when she’s here, this is her office, and she needs inspo just like I do.

I’ve had a couple ideas for my next newsletter rolling around in my head, but I think, instead, I’m going to seize the moment and riff on what Bon Jovi has to say (scream) from the time warp soundtrack blaring out of my bathroom.

First, a few fun facts:

1.) Did you know the song “Livin’ On A Prayer” starts with the lyric
“Once upon a time, not so long ago.”? It’s the thing Jon mumbles at the top of the tune. Well, I didn’t know. And I quite like it. It sets the listener up for a kind of big-haired bedtime story. Sweet.

2.) They never finish the fucking story. 

Tommy’s on strike.
Gina works the diner.
Tommy can’t pay for his guitar.
Gina wakes up bawling at night.
The end.

Rip off! Three guys are credited with writing this song and not one of them could give us a GD ending? Plus, one of the three, besides Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora, is an industry phenom named Desmond Child. I Googled him and he wrote a scroll of hits. Aerosmith’s “Angel”, Kiss’ ’’I Was Made For Loving You”, and Alice Cooper’s “Poison”, to name a few of literally HUNDREDS of chart-toppers. Maybe, after all that, he ran out of endings.

3.) This song, like Jon’s pleather pants, is a fake. It has been posing as an anthem of hope for years, but it’s time someone calls bullshit. Oh sure, they all swoon, “Woah, we’re halfway there. Woah, livin’ on a prayer. Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear. Woah, livin’ on a prayer.”

But halfway through this half story of halfway there, they clearly state, “It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not.“ (TABLE FLIP) WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE?!

Exhale. Exhale.

Fine. I’ll calm down.

Besides, it has come to my attention of late that I do not tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, so allow me to try.

Perhaps, like a good parent, or therapist, or insanely cute pop icon friend, Bon Jovi is trying to let the listener find their own answers.

Maybe they want us to write the ending for ourselves. Get creative and problem-solve so we can strengthen that muscle.

Maybe they’re trying to say, like Arianna Huffington, in her commencement speech at Smith College, “You can complete a project by dropping it.”

Or maybe, Bon Jovi got distracted by their own cleaning lady.

Much like how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.

What I do know is I need to get back to work so I don’t wind up like Tommy and Gina.

Coming back for you, cheese headlines. We’re halfway there.

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